Julia Pirie: Tinker, Tailor, Older Spy

JULIA Pirie, aged 90, spent two decades as an MI5 agent at the heart of the Communist Party of Great Britain, according to her obituary in today's Daily Telegraph.

So, come on then, what would the film of the life of this 'small, dumpy woman with the appearance of a confirmed and rather matronly spinster', be called?...

- The Spy Who Came In From The Old Folks' Home

- Octogenarianpussy (that'll get the dodgy SEO mob in)

- For You Eye Tests Only

- Bingo Royale

- (That nice) Dr. No

- On Her Majesty's Stannah Stairlift

- The Spy Who Loved Mints

You never lose it, you know. It's a blessing and a curse.

Bendy Bus, Beckham To Close Olympics?

DAVID Beckham, Jimmy Page, Leona Lewis and a double-decker bus will star in the Olympic closing ceremony.

Bendy bus: Me no rikey!

What a sorry fucking indictment on the nation that gave the world spitting, meat pies and badgers.

Apparently Becks is going to kick a football off the top of a double-decker bus - you know, those ones we don't have any more - which should stop us moaning about the Chinese swapping that little sabre-toothed warbling toddler for a prettier, miming model, eh?

Then Jimmy and Leona will sing a song. There will be some 'humour', some skinny ballet bints being sick everywhere, some hoodies doing a breakdance and some wheelchair shit - you know, coz those cats can throw a few shapes too.

Fuck me, why don't we just have done with it? How about Boris ragging a Bendy round the track while Denise Van Outen portrays knife crime using the medium of mime, Richard Branson eats his own cock, the Ting Tings are murdered by putting in an actual vacuum and Prince Phillip makes a massive collage saying 'Fuck off you slitty-eyed yeller bastards' our of letters cut from the Daily Mail?

What a Olympian pile of Aids.

Richard Ashcroft 'Talks Out Of His Chinese Eye'

VERVE frontman and walking cadaver Richard Ashcroft has outdone his hoary old portentous self with the lyrics for new single 'Love is Noise'.

Wallabees: Comfy or bad shit?

Of course it ploughs the same banal 'Isn't the world all a bit shit?' furrow, but get this lyrical tipping of the pop hat to global politics n everything:

'Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo...ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha'

Oh, sorry, not that bit. The next bit:

"Will those feet in modern times, walk on soles that are made in China?"

What the fuck is the silly cunt on about? Does he think he's fucking Yoda or something? I wonder if the soles he's on about include the Clarks Wallabees Dick sports on the cover of Urban Hymns?

What did China Labor Watch say about conditions in chinese factories used by Clarks a couple of years ago? I'm glad you asked me that - let's have a quick look.

And here's a link to the Clarks site - just because it's the worst example of a spastically flash site that's no fucking use to anyone. Some fucker took money off these cunts for this - ha, ha, ha!

Still, I am partial to a pilled-up 'woo-hoo', so let's have it:


Truth be told, I'm also partial to a nice Clarks shoe and can live with the human rights gubbins. So if any of you PR types want to let bygones be wotsits and sort us out...least said, soonest mended.

See also:
Symphony, Bitter Sweet
Drugs, Not Working
Sonnet, Bonnet, Halley's Comet!

Lads' Mags Cocktail Metaphor 'Weaker Than Piss'

'Lads' mags cocktail of booze, birds and banter loses its fizz,' reports the guardian, as sales of Nuts, Zoo and the like fall faster than you can say, "Get all your hardcore bongo online, fellas."


Nice headline. Apart from the fact that lads don't drink cocktails. And, er, cocktails aren't fizzy.

Spackers.

And if the mags have had their day, why was amphibious Tory spanner Michael Gove wanking on about them being responsible for all our ills the other week? Didn't hear anyone pulling him up for kicking a dead dog in the nuts then, did we? Well, apart from here, natch.

Radio Five Live's Olympics Bollocks

ALL at sea, that's where the metaphor was. Some silly Radio Five Live commentary cunt twatting on about the sailing this morning, declared that the British chaps 'had a mountain to climb'.

Something, I suspect, they were singularly ill-equipped to do.

Prescott's Titanic Gaff Gives Brown Sinking Feeling

MR STAY-PUFT lookalike and former sailor John Prescott blobbed in again today as he tried to come to Gordon Brown's aid by comparing him to the captain of the Titanic.

Massive blob:"It just popped in there"

"It wasn’t the Captain that sank the Titanic – a ship they claimed was unsinkable - it was the iceberg. The best way to avoid disaster is to manage your way around the problem," he flailed spastically on his blog.

Probably best for a man of your special linguistic talents to steer clear of massive maritime disastor analogies, to be honest John.

Especially as the captain of the Titanic could have avoided the iceberg (electoral disaster?) if he'd altered course more than a few degrees (less spin, new policies?)...or not had such incompetent subordinates who failed to relay further warnings to the bridge (er, the Labour party?).

"Prescott? He's an absolute fucking spanner. An utter fucking clown," Harriet Harman failed to say to us this evening.

Here you go - I'm too fucking good to you cunts, I really am.

Dear Mrs Smith, Little Johnny's A Fat Cunt

PARENTS will receive letters if their kids are too fat, under a new government scheme.

School belly? Literally massive

It's hard to see how sending a letter to little Bubba's mam and dad telling them he's a fat cunt is going to make things better. If they're the sort of numpties to let the poor fat fuck get in that state in the first place then they are hardly likely to take much notice of a fucking letter. Specially as they've probably already got one coz the little cunt has been sat up in his room downloading music all fucking day and night.

And anyway, it won't mention the O-word, as ministers believe parents will not accept their children being called obese.

Tam Fry, a board member for the National Obesity Forum, criticised the goverment for their approach.

Then again, his name is an anagram of MR FATY.

You literally could not make this shit up. Believe me, I've tried.

Michael Gove's Blow To Lads Mags' Nuts

TORY attack-frog Michael Grove has waded in on lad mags such as Nuts and Zoo, by attempting to link their 'instant-hit hedonism' to relationship breakdown and fatherless children.

The big, brave round-faced knobber might well have a point, but let's remember two things about this particular piece of moral high ground-grabbing rhetorical bollocks.

- Having a pop at the lads mags? Not really ground-breaking stuff this, is it? It's not like anyone's queuing up to make the case for the defence here.

- If Gove of Gove Hall is right, and 'paint(ing) a picture of women as permanently, lasciviously, uncomplicatedly available' is, let's say, a bad thing...shouldn't we be having a pop at, er, The Sun?

I wonder what the Nuts Effect will be on the next election? Or who Rupert's tit-tastic tab might be backing this time round?

Btw, The Sun is owned by Murdoch. As is The Times, for whom Michael Gove worked for ten years, and still writes.

Next week: Anne Widdecombe on why Eastenders is doing fuck all to help global warming and Jack Straw on putting a Pot Noodle in space.

Cuil: The New Google Or Too Cool For...Oh Fuck Off

FORMER Google execs have launched a new search engine to rival the online behemoth.

Bothered? No, me neither really. Apart from learning that Cuil is pronounced 'cool', and comes from the Gaelic for knowledge and hazel, according to the BBC. Which makes them a shower of giving-things-shit-names idiots in my book. Cuil, that is, not the Beeb.

Oh, and Techcrunch couldn't write it up without using the big-M: 'Cuil launches massive search engine'. Textbook hyperbole.

Cuil as fuck? Search for yourself

Mr T's Anti-Gay Ad Gets Snickers In A Twist

IS speedwalking gay? Should 80s TV tough guys with famously low 'jibber-jabber' thresholds fire chocolate bars at someone for being 'a disgrace to the man race'?


I suspect 'No' and 'No', but I don't think about this stuff that much.

Still, Mars has decided to pull its latest Mr T 'speed walker' ad in the UK, following complaints by gay rights groups in the US.

So where will this nutty philosophical dilemma lead?

1. Sales of Snickers will go up.

2. The 'political correctness gone mad brigade' will get yet another spastic bee in their Daily Mail bonnets about 'them' telling us what we can and can't laugh at, and the general level of useful discourse will go down quicker than the big fella after a (post 'Ain't gettin on no plane' rant) glass of milk.

Anyway, watch it here and make your own mind up. And then can someone explain how speedwalking is gay in the first place, and has anyone told the lads in the Olympics? There was none of this shit when they were called Marathons.

'Like A Massive Weston-super-Mare Pier Wildfire'

"FIRE!" That's how it spread. A veritable inferno of 'massives' swept the news today as Weston-super-Mare's pier went up in a massive blaze of not glory.

Ginormous respect to the Beeb who, eschewed the textbook 'Massive Blaze' route, in favour of a literal brace of user-generated massives with some 'massive red flames' spotted by Jacquie Whelan of the Sunfold Hotel, and some great background work on the 'historic' pier itself which had just undergone a 'massive revamp.'

Meanwhile, firemen's helmets off to the chaps at Sky, who managed to coax a 'massive loss' out of Weston-super-Mare's mayor, Andrew Horler.

Mr Mayor went on to add a controverisal 'big blow' in his quote, an impressive piece of SEO-showboating from the media-savvy politico, who might have had an eye on more cock-hungry Googlers remembering other hot, pier-based liaisons and on the 'Brighton Big Blow' lookout.

Keep on top of massive developments with this handy little Google News search for 'Weston Massive', innit.

Best of the piss-poor puns: Pier today, gone tomorrow; The end of the pier show; I do like to burn beside the seaside.

Unless, as Cyril used to say...you know otherwise. Esther?

EMO Ban In Russia And, Er...Kensington

Can EMO thaw the Cold War, as Russia and the Daily Mail join forces against the 'cult' of moon-faced indie kids?

Moonpic.com: Why the white face?

The NME reports that 'EMOSKI' might be outlawed in Russia, as leaders want young people to concentrate on more traditional pursuits, like buying football clubs, massive hair-tan combos and wandering round Kensington dripping in fucking diamonds.

Which, funnily enough, is where the Daily Mail is based, and they had the little miseries camped outside recently, after one of their trademark 'not getting campaigns' about some poor kids who just wanted to, er...not have any fun.

Still, good to see the Mail's hypocrisy ratched up to 11 - type 'EMO' into the Mail's internal search engine to see that they are not averse to making a few quid by pulling in some targetted EMO ads.

Andy Burnham: What Price Product Placement?

FOX News in the US is now 'brought to viewers by McDonalds Ice Coffee'.

Pic: Insert lame 'How do you like yours?' black/white gag

Controversial? Sky News thinks so, and they're part of the same company. That shit couldn't happen here though, could it?

Some recent, probably unconnected, stories in the guardian:

23 July: Companies offer £200m to government health push

24 July: Ofcom relaxes rules to allow increase in TV ads

25 July: Culture Secretary Andy Burnham 'softens antipathy' to product placement in British TV

Shall we start the bidding at £200m? Cold, hard cash into the nation's coffers minister?

"Nah, some ropey TV ad slots and shitty logos on the back of cereal packets will be fine."

Massive Hole Forces Qantas Plane Down

A 'massive hole' has forced a Qantas Airways Boeing 747 to make an emergency landing in Manilla en route from London to Melbourne.


Textbook opportunity for literally massive hole media shenanigins. Aren't holes defined by their lack of mass?

Glasgow East: SNP Thumbs Up, Brown's Massive Hole

POLITICAL earthquake my arse. 'Massive thumbs up for the SNP' should be the cliche of choice for the Glasgow East by-election, as gurning newboy John Mason can't seem to keep the fuckers in his pockets. The silly cunt looks like Selwyn Froggitt at a rave.

I like the idea of a 'Glasgow thumbs-up' - it sounds like something F1 supremo and non-Nazi S&M-fan Max Mosley would be into.

Anyway, here's another one of John Mason going all 'Magic our Morris'.


And one of him doing some sort of weird, camp Fonzie.


Fuck me, I'm on to something here. That bird on the left can fucking cheer up n'all.

F1 Mosley's Sick Nazi S&M Orgy Case - The Truth

SOME considerable bollocks was spouted recently by the usually ace Charlie Brooker on the subject of newspapers chasing internet traffic by shoehorning keywords into their copy.


It's far, far worse than that, people.

Google now have an army of webmonkeys randomly creating search-friendly headlines, and then using brain rays and stuff to make innocent, motorsport-owning, sons of fascists do weird (non-Nazi, natch) sex shit.

They're actually using SEO to make the fucking news.

How else can you explain the spunky, SEO-based S&M tsunami of all search-killer and no actual journalism filler of F1 Max's Sick Nazi Sex Orgy?

You can't trust anyone. I was talking to someone in the office today when they blurted, "Ronaldo House Price CBeebies Bukkake!", before turning round and pulling that face like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

Ooh, go on then, just coz it's you:


PS - It's at 1:52, and I'm really fucking scared.

Massive Obesity Push To Do 'Fat Lot of Good'

A coalition of companies including BSkyB, ITV, Tesco, Coca-Cola, Cadbury and AOL have pledged the equivalent of more than £200m in advertising space and services to support the govt's "Change4Life" healthy lifestyles marketing initiative.

We could just ban advertising the fatty, sugary shit turning us into a nation of diabetic lardarses. But that would limit 'choice'.

I wonder how TV stations, fizzy pop makers and massive chains of shops benefit from a nation of telly-addicted binge eaters?

Still, as we all lard it up there's always a few quid to be made in the health insurance game - every little helps, eh?

Btw, if you Google 'Change4Life' the main link isn't a Government-industry coalition aimed at improving health, but a site offering 'Healing workshops' for 'Trauma healing' and 'Relationships detox' from someone called Marcia.

Poor girl's going to have a lot on her plate, which is kind of where we came in. If the silly marketing clowns couldn't sort a webshite, what chance have the fat fucks got?

Giles Coren Blows It Over Wank Nosh Gag

GILES Coren has written a spastically funny letter to The Times subs after they changed his copy and ruined his 'hilarious' joke. Somehow it made it to the guardian, where we can all tuck in.

Grown man who gets paid for saying whether or not he likes food gets his tits in a massive tangle over some subs removing an indefinite article and spoiling his brilliant 'nosh/a nosh' gag.

Taxi for Nobber?

Coren, Giles Coren. Writes about food in The Times. No, that's AA Gill. The other one. No? Nah, I doubt anyone else has either.

Anyway, him....Yes! Him off the telly with that bird. No, I never thought she was very funny either.

And what sort of puerile twat would end a piece on a cheap oral sex gag when they're supposed to be writing about the joys of 'eating out'?

I am quite literally wasted here.

BBC In Massive-Mammoth Test Match Tangle

BBC Sport Online crosses the journalistic streams tonight with a single promo containing a 'massive' and a 'mammoth'. Who we gonna call, eh?

Linky, linky, nice-nice - here's me linking to them when their own Trust says they don't help the little fella.

Redcar Bikini Bid A 'Massive Flop'

REDCAR'S bid to beat Bondi's bikini record quite literally flopped today.

Right tits: Over 300 of em

A mere 300-odd blue-veined munters turned out for the cameras, the local photography club, some teenage bongo enthusiasts and a couple of chaps in raincoats 'putting one in the bank for later'.